Article archive / November 1, 2014
Originally published: . Volume 5, No. 15. Source pages: 1, 6, 7.
A record number of adults age 25 and older have never married, according to a September report by Pew Research. This is a continuing trend. In 1960, only 9 percent of adults in 1960 fell into the never-married category but by 2012 this number has grown to 20 percent, says Pew.
The gender gap has also widened. In 1960, 10 percent of men and 8 percent of women were never-married. But by 2012 that had risen to 23 percent for men and 17 percent for women.
Dr. Matt Morris is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and President–Elect for the Louisiana Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. He told the Times that delaying marriage is a persisting trend.
“Age of marriage, particularly later age of marriage often correlates with reduced likelihood for divorce,” Dr. Morris said to the Times. “People who choose to marry later are likely more educated and financially established, which also correlate to reduced divorce rates – something marriage proponents should be promoting,” he said.
“Though more people are choosing not to marry, that does not necessarily mean that they are single and not in a committed relationship. More people are questioning the philosophical justification for marriage as an institution, and choosing not to participate in that institution, though they’re committed to their partner and family,” Morris said.
The Pew study noted that while attitudes about marriage are dramatically changing in younger age group, a majority of Americans, 68 percent, continue to believe marriage is an important and worthy institution. And, of those never-married, 53 percent say they would like to marry eventually.
Dr. Morris points to one of the problems. “The report shows that a majority of single adults would like to marry someday. Finding a partner that one can commit to in marriage requires time to date, court, and possibly cohabitate,” he said, “all of which takes significant time and energy. Working adults regularly report that they’re simply too busy to date. And when one relationship falls through, the process starts over again,” Morris said. “In some ways, dating hasn’t gotten easier; it’s more complicated.”
Previously married adults show less interest in marriage than do never-married adults, according to Pew. Only 21 percent say they would like to marry again, while 45 percent say they do not want to get married again and another 31 percent are unsure. And, there is a large gender difference. Only 15 percent of women reported wanting to try again, compared to 29 percent of the men.
Dr. Morris, who is also Associate Professor of Counseling at Our Lady of Holy Cross College in New Orleans and an approved LMFT and LPC Supervisor, said there is lot needed for people to feel that relationships can be positive and stable.
“Most people want to be in a stable, loving relationship, whether legally married or not,” he said. “And stable relationships are good for society.” But stable relationships must be supported, he explained. “… first by teaching kids and adolescents the components of healthy relationships, including good communication skills, conflict resolution skills, etc.,” Morris said. Good premarital counseling that fosters connection and realistic expectations and also services and information to support families through challenging times, might be needed, he noted.
Pew researchers noted that few never-married adults, both men and women, place priority on finding a partner who shares their moral and religious beliefs, has a similar educational level, or comes from the same racial or ethnic background.
However, the researchers also point out that of those never- married who want to eventually wed, 30 percent say it is because they have not found what they are looking for in a spouse. Almost as many say they are not financially prepared for marriage.
“When you put these two statements together, does it really surprise you?” said Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Mark Reynaund, previously chair of the LMFT Advisory Committee . “This is not to say that what makes a healthy relationship is couples sharing exactly the same values/beliefs and traditions. However, spouses need to be able to trust that their partner is going to honor their life's dreams,” Reynaud said.
“The question I pose here is how financial security is defined?” said Reynaud. He wonders about the priorities of modern couples. “It is important to balance the emotional needs of the relationship with the demand of earning a livable income and maintaining a standard of living,” he said. “Unfortunately, what the research is showing is that more and more, people are valuing wealth over emotional connection. My personal belief is that people are attempting to console themselves with wealth due to the pain of lack of emotional connection.”
Reynaud asks what happens in our society where parents chase financial security and where children are given “things” as a substitute for real connections. “Additionally, children see their parents as unhappy and divorcing because of a lack of connection in the marriage. Couples are not connecting with each other because this is not what they are choosing to spend their time on,” he said.
“As a result, despite what I believe is the drive in all of us to have that emotional bond with others, the younger generation neglects this and believes to some extent that a satisfying marriage is a myth,” Reynaud said.
Another theme emerging from the Pew data has to do with men, jobs, and what women want in a spouse. Of women in the never-married group, 78 percent say the most important characteristic for a potential mate is to have a steady job.
This relates to another issue, the dropping labor participation rate of men. From 1960 to 2012, the number of men working, per 100 women, dropped from 139 to 91.
Dr. Molly Govener, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist from West Monroe, told the Times this is one of the themes she sees in her practice.
Dr. Governer feels that one reason for the decline in marriage is the increasing lack of security that males provide to females. “… traditionally females desire the financial security that is found in a ‘good provider.’” she said. “However, fewer young males are employed now than ever, and beyond that, even when they are, it seems they approach their family life and career with less of a sense of ‘responsibility.’”
“I have an increasing number of couples in my office, with the female complaining that her husband is either lax in his approach to work, is currently not working, or when he is not at work, is completely unhelpful in the maintenance home, financial management, and with their children,” Governer said. “… a lot of women are seeing it as much easier to just do it alone.”
While the rates of never- married increased in all racial and ethics groupings, the increase was most dramatic for Blacks, going from 9 percent in 1960 to 36 percent in 2012. Black men and women are about equal with 36 percent of Black men and 35 percent of Black women falling in the never-married category.
The Times spoke with Ms. Heather Doss, current chair of the Louisiana Commission on Marriage and Family, which was created in 2008 by Governor Jindal to provide guidance to decision-makers in the state.
In the commission’s annual report, Doss noted that 49 percent of the children born in Louisiana are disadvantaged from growing up in a household without both parents. This is 68 percent in Orleans Parish. She noted that due to the marriage rate, divorce, and the other factors such as the cohabitation rate in Louisiana of 58 percent, only one-third of American children are growing up in a stable, two-parent, married households.
“The commission will be working in the early part of the 2015 to look further at these goals,” Doss explained to the Times, “and specially to look at the purposes of the executive order.
Dr. Molly Govener said, “I see a decline in the value of marriage as a society at large,” pointing to many young people who feel they are being “progressive” to refuse the “archaic notion” of marriage.
She explained that there has been a decline “… in the moral foundation that marriage is based on, specifically a traditional Christian ideal.” In the past, many embraced the Judeo- Christian model, where intercourse outside of marriage was viewed as sinful.
“In current times,” she said, “this trend is completely reversed, with the unmarried couples ‘waiting until marriage’ being seen as strange, and abstaining singles are generally suspected to have some kind of an issue that accounts for this other than a strong moral conviction.” She also observes that it is more acceptable for unmarried couples to raise children together.
“With the shift in these societal expectations, the motivation to be married is much less,” Dr. Governer said.
And, “I fully expect these trends to continue in the direction they're moving.”
Graphs from “FRED Economic Data” showing the labor participation rates of men and women over the last half century.
Dr. Matt Morris is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and President–Elect for the Louisiana Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. He told the Times that delaying marriage is a persisting trend. (Courtesy photo.)
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